damned if you do...

You know, for someone who has a fear of failure, I seem to be doing just that quite a bit lately. I'm fairly certain that, since I studied the wrong topics for my Psych 301 final, and given my current grade in that class, that I'll be right back in that class in the fall. I'm also the only person on my team at work that didn't have sales go through this week because of dumb mistakes, and it was not 1, but 2 sales! 2! No one else on the team even did that bad. Combine that with the fact that I may possibly have to take my Psych 346 class over as well, because I found out I "didn't get a very good score" on my paper. And the teacher let's me know this AS I'M TURNING IN MY FINAL TEST! So needless to say, if I decide to re-do the paper, I have until Friday (3 days not including today) to rewrite it and submit it.

The absolute craptacular thing about all of this is I'm doing it all for my wife. I'm putting both of us through isolation and loneliness, financial burdens, as well as overworking and lack of familial contact on either side, just simply so I can seemingly fail at "providing a better life for us." This whole process is hurting so much that I'm beginning to withdraw into myself. I'm a psych major, I'm seeing the signs of a major depressive episode coming on, and I just can't make myself care enough to stop it.

So that's me in a nutshell right now. I barely speak to my wife, my friends, or my family. I hate school, but can't quit because I've invested too much into it. I hate my job, but can't quit because we need the money. I hate my life where it's at right now, but I'm too scared of failure to try and change anything for fear of screwing it all up worse than it already is. And to top it all off, in trying to deal with all of it, I hurt my wife's feelings because of my radiating negativity.

Yeah, I'm a real winner here.

Opening gambit...

Essentially, I'm pissed. And for any international readers out there, we're using the American version of the word, so this means I'm angry and frustrated, rather than drunk. The sad thing is, I'm only angry at myself, and what I do. I'm not going to bore you with the details, but suffice it to say that I'm in need of a good venting. That's what purpose this blog will serve. I have no intention, at least initially, to use this blog as a soapbox or pulpit, and I don't pretend to know any more than anyone else. I'm doing this for me, simple as that. I know many of you reading this are probably saying to yourselves "crap, not another whiny, self-involved, know-it-all, whose writing a blog just because everyone else is doing it." That's only part of it. This is going to be a public journal, some place I can put the details of my life in, and just generally get the darkness that is plaguing me out of my soul and mind, and get it the hell away from me. This is also where I'm going to post things that I enjoy as well. I may do a movie review. I might post a trivia question, a puzzle, or a brain teaser of sorts. Who knows? I'm not a reporter, I'm not a novelist, I'm not a philosopher. I may end up doing things in those veins, but it's just to get things out there. If you like, great, thanks for your support. If you don't like, then quite frankly, I don't care. Your life, your choices. Thanks for your time.